I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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