Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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