Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
