I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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