Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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