The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
