Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
