Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my being single is dangerous.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
