Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
