I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
