Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
