maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
as a side note pls kill me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
