Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
