did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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