Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
