So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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