I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
