good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
