So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
