she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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