i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
