Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
