Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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