Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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