I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
