I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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