Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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