He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
