Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
