I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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