11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
