She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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