i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
