I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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