I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
