Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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