I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
