There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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