we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
