Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm both gender and math confused
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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