He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
