Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
