she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
