I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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