I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
