I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
