drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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