Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
