I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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