My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
